Monday, May 6, 2013
Only the battles
The United States- the world even- is based and built on SUCCESS. What we don't realize is that society is equally just as much about FAILURE. For every WINNER there is a LOSER. You can't win every time. In fact, if you think about it, there aren't winners. Only losers. Once you reach a goal, you still haven't won because there is another goal to be set. There is no limit to success. You keep going and going. That's why there are no victories. Only the battles.
Friday, March 1, 2013
An Equalizer
Too often, people make the assumption that self harm is when people "don't think they're beautiful" so they cut they're wrists. They would be mostly incorrect.
Cutting can be a way to feel pain when it seems like you can't feel anything else. You just want to feel Something.
The most relatable reason (for me) is an equalizer. I hate making other people feel pain. If I have yelled at someone or hurt their feelings I feel awful. As any person would. I have caused them emotional pain. So in order to kind of equalize the universe or make the pain the same on both my side and the person I hurt, I cause myself physical pain. Maybe it doesn't seem rational to someone from the outside but when you are in that position and you feel that you've caused someone emotional pain, it seems like a reasonable answer.
Then you look back later and see those scars... It's kinda scary. It reminds you of a dark time. A lonely night when the earth seemed to stop spinning and it was just you and that inanimate blade that seemed so alive. It slit and carved memories into your skin taking the guilt and leaving the pain. It equalizes the universe and in that moment after the harm is done, everything is perfect... Except for you.
Cutting can be a way to feel pain when it seems like you can't feel anything else. You just want to feel Something.
The most relatable reason (for me) is an equalizer. I hate making other people feel pain. If I have yelled at someone or hurt their feelings I feel awful. As any person would. I have caused them emotional pain. So in order to kind of equalize the universe or make the pain the same on both my side and the person I hurt, I cause myself physical pain. Maybe it doesn't seem rational to someone from the outside but when you are in that position and you feel that you've caused someone emotional pain, it seems like a reasonable answer.
Then you look back later and see those scars... It's kinda scary. It reminds you of a dark time. A lonely night when the earth seemed to stop spinning and it was just you and that inanimate blade that seemed so alive. It slit and carved memories into your skin taking the guilt and leaving the pain. It equalizes the universe and in that moment after the harm is done, everything is perfect... Except for you.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Disappointment
One of my biggest fears is disappointing others. I hate the feeling that you have let someone down and not lived up to their expectations. I've always wanted people to be happy with me. I've never wanted conflict so when it happens I'm not sure how to handle it. I usually end up shutting down and let it destroy my confidence.
I only bring this up because it happened today (it's happened more than once a d there have been more extreme examples but this is what made me think of my weakness). It was during my art class. The teacher announced that we needed to turn it our take home projects and it completely slipped my mind that we had to do one. So when she said it I was like "crap...". But then I realized that only one person in our small class of 7 people only 1 person did it so I didn't think she would me as mad at just me. Maybe she would bead at the class in general. But no... That's not how it happened. Unfortunately I was the last person she asked and that's when she snapped and started getting upset. Then she asked why I didn't do it and all I could say was that I just forgot. So she said things like "I'm just disappointed" and "you always turn in your projects on time". Instead of me saying something back I just kinda took it all on me like a burden. It weighed heavily on me all day and probably won't be lifted until I turn in the project. I wish I didn't take things so personally. I wish I didn't empathize as much as I do. I wish I didn't care what other people think of me as much as I do...
I only bring this up because it happened today (it's happened more than once a d there have been more extreme examples but this is what made me think of my weakness). It was during my art class. The teacher announced that we needed to turn it our take home projects and it completely slipped my mind that we had to do one. So when she said it I was like "crap...". But then I realized that only one person in our small class of 7 people only 1 person did it so I didn't think she would me as mad at just me. Maybe she would bead at the class in general. But no... That's not how it happened. Unfortunately I was the last person she asked and that's when she snapped and started getting upset. Then she asked why I didn't do it and all I could say was that I just forgot. So she said things like "I'm just disappointed" and "you always turn in your projects on time". Instead of me saying something back I just kinda took it all on me like a burden. It weighed heavily on me all day and probably won't be lifted until I turn in the project. I wish I didn't take things so personally. I wish I didn't empathize as much as I do. I wish I didn't care what other people think of me as much as I do...
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
Leaving a Mark
Time keeps passing by but it doesn't feel real. The earth doesn't feel like it spinning 1070 miles per hour. I can't feel the earth moving beneath me. I can't feel myself aging. Yet, it happens without me or anyone else having to pay attention to it. Time passes, people age, and no one seems to notice. We live our lives that often don't seem to matter. The majority of us won't ever make a HUGE impact. Not everyone can solve world hunger, cure cancer, and bring world peace. The few of us that do are lucky because they are leaving a mark that is beautiful and important. Then, there are those who leave scars. Who didn't live there life to the fullest, but instead caused hurt, pain, and suffering. Who will I be? Will I leave a positive mark, negative mark, or no mark at all?
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Erin's Blog
Oh, yeah since Erin mentioned my blog I guess I should mention hers ;)
alwayserinmarri.blogspot.com
alwayserinmarri.blogspot.com
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